Monday, July 13, 2015

A Little Love and Tenderness......

“It was odd, (Tessa thought), what brought out tenderness in people.” 
― Cassandra ClareClockwork Angel

She sat there in her protective shell like exterior---softness all underneath that she only allows just a few to catch a glimmer of from time to time
and
she told me
a tale
her tale
of 
captured tenderness
and
I welled up
choked up
sat there all caught up in the wonder of our connected lives
and
now 
I smile---at the depth of us humans who sometimes
somehow 
channel our love
our gentleness
our tenderness if you will
into 
tiny little slivers of God's love.....

Her grandmother
old and tired
and
all ready for both her birthday--around 90
and 
her return day--her return to love----
....
She found herself 
the victim of a stroke
but 
yet
all wrapped up in that body that would not work any more
was a woman of strength
and 
stubbornness.
Granddaughter tells me of her grandmothers birthday...
about how she wasn't allowed to have that 
Pepsi
but she insisted that she could swallow
and
about a nurse
who found out 
her grandmother loved cantaloupe began the preparations for the
last supper of sorts



 they stood in the sacredness of time
one last time
all bound up in their love for each other
and while
I never met the grandmother
I have a vision that the 
young woman I starred out 
was the new embodiment of her namesake

around hospital bed
among iv and the pink fluffy blankent
stood two women
ages apart
but
love bound through time
stood
for a sacred meal of sort
a communion of the Holy Kind
the fizz of a cold Pepsi over ice
and
the smell
of fruit drifting in the air

The priest of sort--priestess---nurse as I see her
went to the 
lunchbox 
and
shared 
from her bowl
slivers of orange cool crispness
and
in a prayerful manner
smushed up the sacredness of fruit of the earth
swirled it around, mixed it in a pray-like way---birthday treat for her last birthday ever---
I imagine the Tupperware and fork----sacred vessels ---
hands mixing and crushing
and
see the gentleness of a young nurse
a priestess of healing and giver of
the sacraments---
intimate moment shared
granddaughter rubbing on arms and staring into eyes
and
lifting up a fizzing communion of Pepsi
while
the 
tender nurse moves over
no words said
only 
love drifting around the bed
around the two women-
separated by generations
but 
held together by name and love and heart
.....
Love
moved through the air
and
in the moment
of 
silent 
communion
.....
Tender mercy and kindness 
and
love of all kinds
swirled
around 
the
bed of a dying woman about to enter freedom once again
.....
sacred ceremony
last supper
communion with and for saints
all
in a
tiny little sliver of
time

....
Love
that knows
no 
beginning
and 
no end
only
hearts
that 
are connected forever
......

Thankful for the sharing of the story
for the tenderness of a priestess nurse
and
for the 
wonder of a granddaughter
with great memories
of one last sacred communion.

May the Mystery
wrap around 
my friend
and
bless 
the little 
nurse 
who 
cared enough
to 
be the bearer of sacred smushed up orange fruit 

served with
heart filled with 
tenderness
.............

thankful 
for 
being the receiver of this story
and
for being given permission
to share

May your grandmothers
strength
and
stubbornness
live on in you.


and 
may all of us
dare 
to 
live
out
moments of tenderness
as they come

blessings...

the radical rambler.....

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

living unshelled....


“A creature that hides and “withdraws into its shell,” is preparing a “way out.” 
This is true of the entire scale of metaphors, from the resurrection of a [person] in [a] grave, to the sudden outburst of one who has long been silent. If we remain at the heart of the image under consideration, we have the impression that, by staying in the motionlessness of its shell, the creature is preparing temporal explosions, not to say whirlwinds, of being.” 
― Gaston BachelardThe Poetics of Space


I have always been a watcher of sorts, eyes wide open, rest of me pulled up, curled up, hidden underneath the exterior shell of just being.
I watch life, watch interactions, analyze my place in the world and wonder...
wonder what happens
when and if 
I trust 
enough
to allow 
those around
to see me,
feel me,
know me,
in all 
my many multiple layers
of 
"being"
underneath the shell.

I'm an assortment of questions--
wanderings and ponderings about life
questions intersecting
with 
why, how, hum
moments
interwoven with
heart beats
connected to 
something so much bigger
wondering constantly 
how 
we humans connect
what the meaning of life
 may be
and 
why
why my heart aches to know
children have no food,
older folks who work hard
still struggle
why we people
strange as we are
somehow 
break down each other rather than build up community.

I watch
eyes open
from underneath
my shell
I gather energy
ideas
sparked by love
and
find meaning
meaning for life and people and world

energy builds as I watch
all curled up
hunkered down
in my protective 
cover
and
yet

my heart pulls me forward
and
I feel it happening
i find myself
daring
to 
pull back the cover
of my little shell
and
allow my 
heart 
to 
beat
unprotected in the world
without 
fear of rejection
or 
laughter
or 
judgement

unshelled
I am
learning 
to 
be
....
simply 
me
....

said 
the 
radical rambler 
as 
she rambles.

blessings...
go on out and be.....
a great day!
the radical rambler.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

The bridge to somewhere....

"My brokenness is a better bridge for people than my pretend wholeness ever was." 
— Sheila Walsh

I wondered as I walked,
was my fear of staying where I was
bigger then my fear of "what if"...
I looked into the distance
all the while feeling the quiver and quake of my heart...
I'd traveled on this lonely journey for a long time
I was tired, dirty, worn
when
I

came to a bridge
between
here ...here where I stood
and
there...there in the distance
to a road
leading
to somewhere 
I wasn't sure of...
It looked scary
to go over
stream 
and
plank
and
brokenness
....
what if 
I did not make it
...
I knew what was behind me
pain
sorrow
fear
all that that had propelled me forward...
I stood
pulling up
all that I could 
from Mother Earth,
Father Time,
and Brother Sun...
I could feel the shift
the shift inside 
me
could feel the pull
the pull to put
one foot carefully 
in front of the other
and
risk
crossing to the other side.

I did
and
moment by moment
I connect to something
that feels like a gravitational pull
beckoning me forward
into 
Light
into Love
into 
fullness of life
....
The broken bridge
that overtook my fear.
That
that 
was my first step....

that was the day
the day I chose
 the bridge to somewhere
rather than the home of fear.



the radical rambler.............

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

opened up

“My heart's been torn wide open,
 just like I feared it would be,
 and I have no willpower to close it back up.” 
                                                            ― Marie LuChampion

I have not written in a very long time
fear of looking at 
the emotions inside of me
caused
me to 
hunker down
hole up
and
pull the shades around my heart and mind 
tight
all closed up
in a protective shell


life
living it
hurt too bad
darkness loomed
rain and storms pelted my outer shell

there I
rested---absorbed in my own little world with my own little troubles
wallowed all over and over again 
in 
the pain so severe I could not name it--let alone claim it----
.....
Storms tossed and turned
slammed me
rolled me over 
pulled me back to sea
but
something 
beyond myself
beyond my understanding 
beyond anything I can fathom in my humanoid way of thinking
IT met me
me in 
 my little world blown apart kind of  life
pulled me
protected me
wouldn't let go or give up on me
rescued me  

Drowning in sorrow and strangling on my tears
feeling alone
a Mystery of sort
enfolded me
holed up me
existing 
in my protective coating me
wrapped around 
and claimed 
me--my value-my gift--my--me

The sunshine dried my outer coating
my arms tired from
the weight of holding 
the shells together
began to 
relax just a bit
and
when i let go
just enough
to allow a small sliver of light and love 
to slip inside of my darkness
my world shifted....

Love
IT
embraced me
pulled me up
opened 
my heart spaces
scarred,
wounded, 
some would say--raw and exposed
but yet still beating little heart,
IT
opened those little
tiny spaces that I tried to seal over
closed up
shelled up me
opened me
heart all wrapped in pain
to love
and
that something
IT
amazing Love 
rescued 
me....hunkered down, holed up, mixed up, torn apart me...

never be put together the same again  me
but 
yet 
live
rescued little me
lives

how?
I don't know
Why 
does it matter?

opened heart space
LIFE
i am 
Here

opened up
and
alive....

Thanks be to IT!!!  Amen

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

light beckons...

“Souls reconstructed with faith transform agony into peace.” 



Life...
so full of turns and twists,
interactions and reactions,
and
just when i can't breathe
just when i think
i may cease to exist or at least wish i would
from around the bend in the road
after climbing up behind the shadow of the mount for so long
starting to think that the shadowy darkness is normal--
a small faint flicker of hope
a glimmer of light
a wash of fresh air
enters my stale bones..

I stare into the distance
and
something draws me forward
beckons me if you will
Hope?
love?
something
something so ordinary it is there most of the time,
but so extraordinary I can't resist....

sweat drips down my head
my muscles ache
and
my head is so finished with processing that I think all the tickers are broken.....

 i hit the pinnacle of the climb and i stop to rest
I sit
sit and stare into the light that beckons me
....
Does goodness and mercy follow me?
Is the shadow just a shadow or a figment of my imagination?
Am I really not alone?
my soul fights with itself
arguing that
it is alone
feels it into the abyss of my soul
...
and
yet...
yet...
the light in the distance flickers and glimmers
and
says...
Come on up...
I stand
stare
and
 suddenly
...
one more time
...
when I know i've said
I will not do this again
...
I don't believe
...
yeah right
...
That
thing
that awesome something bigger than myself
...
says..
come on..
I've been right here waiting...

The agony of the dark night
shifts
cool fresh air
hits my face and
a gentle yet subtle
spirit moves over my pain
and
soothes it....
a few more steps...
hard they may
....
and
i think
i just might be
home to myself
...
myself and that which is bigger than me...

the light
it beckons me...


Have a great hump day...
blessings..

The radical rambler...



 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

anointing hands

“I feel the healing
hands of God
touch my heart
and kiss my soul.” 

― Harley Kin

In a wave of explosive energy,
love splashed over my heart as I stood gazing into their eyes-
each bearing their own pain, their own hope, their own perspective
and
I opened my heart 
to them
in front of them
in a way I never imagined.

As I looked I could feel waves of tears rolling up in my eyes in the same explosive energy as the love that was splashing all over me,
moving over me
touching me
in the crevices of my heart 
where my deepest hurt had resided for many years.

Perhaps
to the eyes not visioning through a God lens
it was just standing
standing up and saying
I'll do that job
but
ah...
my world view was so different and it felt much bigger than just standing up
looking out
ah..
it felt like hope and love and grace
and
acceptance wrapping around me at once.
....
tiny little drops of love balm
slid down into the places 
where 
I had been hurting for many years
oozed into the little cracks 
left by my broken dreams,
rejected gifts,
unrealized self preservation
dripped into me
as the aroma of anointment
rose up.

I don't know how I came
to stand
stand before
these folks so full of love
don't know how my journey brought me
to that place in time
that moment in reality
when 
love,
hands,
healing
and
my heart 
got all wrapped up in a gift of hope.

I don't understand it
but
as they put on their hands
little electrons
moved
moved through me
and 
for a tiny moment
for that was all I could stand
was 
touched
by love,
hands,
energy
dare I say God
and for just a moment
shalom
it infused me
and
I was whole
and
I
I am most thankful for the moment.

blessings on this Tuesday
be a great day.



Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Goodwills, scaly feet and Sacred Ground.....

“If I were in [his] presence, I would wash [his ]feet.” 
― Hercules
Sketch done by off color daughter at panera bread one day while she was skipping school--fabulous don't you think....it speaks of the sacredness and connection we have with the world. 2013 MM

Okay--so I'll confess--I haven't blogged in a good long while.  My life has been very crazy and I've found that in my writing-there is a transparency about myself--a truthfulness that erupts from the depth of my soul.  So if I am honest with myself and then with the world--I'll confess that I didn't want to share
all the mixed up emotions that I had going on inside of me on paper
---and whether I wanted to share--well it would have happened--the emotion would have pushed forth and emerged on the paper in the midst of whatever story I was tryin' to birth.   
So--here I am---willing to bare it again--I suppose sometimes the human spirit needs to just ball up and fight with itself
wrestle, stomp, scream and cry---
and that is where I've been
in a smack-down match with parts of myself...
and I won eventually and have a few bruises to show for it!!!


Fast forward to the present......
I had just spent the week in the hospital with my mother, who'd had a heart attack coming out of the bathroom at walmart--now that is another story for another day---a scare and a stent later--she is on the road to recovery.  Following my week in the hospital with her, I returned home to Big Daddy and Off Color Daughter.  Since my last Blog Post, "off-color son" has moved out into a swinging bachelor pad with three other buddies.
I was exhausted and spent much of the first day in bed getting caught up on lost rest---and it was my sexy hot 51st birthday--and yes i'll say it for you---Damn--I just get sexier, hotter--all the time!!!  
The day following this, I awoke with a headache, vomiting and other things that shall not be named--after a doctors visit-it was proclaimed that I had the flu.  Damn!!!  Another week of sickness---I spent the entire week, laid up in bed doing nothing more than sleeping---and that for sure ain't the thing anybody as sexy hot as me wants to be doing in the bed!!!!
The next Saturday--I'm finally feeling semi-normal and I go for my beautification treatment where my beautification specialist gives me my 
sexy hot short haircut.  
I have a few minutes to spare and decide to swing into the gas station for a cold iced fountain Diet Pepsi and then decide I'd swing into the local goodwill to scour for eclectic finds (I did find a cool thermos from the 70's and a little Japanese cup and saucer set).
I'm doing my Goodwill Scan--walking up and down the aisles of the store--looking sexy hot from my new hair cut and trying to be inconspicuous because 
who wants to be seen at the Goodwill--right?
I'm about to finish my rounding track and am just getting ready to head to the cash register and I get stuck in a line of people with baskets full of "shit".  
I take a detour and head around the back of the store because I'm feeling all goodwill claustrophobic---just as I round past the furniture in the back, a grandmother in her roundish gray hair cute kind of way, looked at me and said, 
"Can you help me?"
She is sitting, so I think she wants me to perhaps help her out of the rocker she is sitting in----
I smile and simply say, "Sure, I'll be Glad to help!!!"
FAMOUS LAST WORDS!!!
She looks at me and simply say--
"these shoes I'm wearing are burning up my feet"
--I looked
and she had zip up plastic looking blue tennis shoes on --they looked like they were made out of those rubber things that crocs are made from....
She proceeds to say--
"I'm gonna donate them 'cause I don't like them--can you help me put my socks on and she pulls out a pair of diabetic black men's socks from her grandmama pocketbook"
I feel myself think in my head---
"Oh no---not feet---" as she proceeds to say, "Can you help me put these socks on?"
I smile underneath thinking, "what the hell"
and
then I tell myself in my head---one day--you just might be a sexy hot grandma sitting in the goodwill and you might need a little help....so I stoop down trying not to cringe.
I do not like feet--my feet or anybody's feet.
Toenails gross me out....
feet-well they serve us well and I do appreciate the way they carry us from here to there 
and for the way
they grant me access into Holy connections with both the Earth and the Creator---
but touching someones feet--someone I don't know............oh..I don't know about this i say in my head....
I feel myself giving myself the pep talk and I kneel down at her feet.
Ms. Goodwill Grandmama's feet are not in good shape.  She has some of those thick yellow nails on her Big toes,
Her feet--I swear need about a gallon of lotion and I can feel my OCD kicking in as her skin starts to flake as I pull on the socks over her swollen feet.
As I am kneeling---kneeling in the aisle at Goodwill,
I begin to reflect upon the biblical stories I'd been told over the years
and wondered how 
they might be woven into this Goodwill tale....
I began to feel the connection to God,
to the world
to humanity if you will
and by the time I 
started to try and pull on the second sock---
I feel myself 
feeling compassion for the woman who asked me for help.....
Will I wash another's feet--not without an internal argument or feeling myself sweat up after I'd said yes.....
but
for 
this day
I am thankful
thankful for a moment of 
Holy connection
for burning bush
scaly feet
big toenail
moments
that 
caused me
to remember
that 
both 
and
the woman
are children of the same creator
and
thus---
putting on socks
of a woman with ugly feet
in the middle of Goodwill where I was trying to play 
incognito...
well
the 
Goodwill Floor 
became 
Holy Ground for me
sacred if you will
and for a brief moment
i felt as if
I too should be taking off my shoes
for the presence of "That Which IS"
walked by and brushed right up against me
while I was kneeling.....

so for this day--
I will proclaim my gratitude 
for
a moment 
of 
with the Goodwill Grandmama where
I was changed.

....
May we all
become willing to say
Yes-
when we are asked for help
and
allow
the Holy
to somehow 
meet us with our biggest 
repulsions
to change us
forever..
May it be so...
May it be so...

so good to be with you again...

be a great day...
"the radical rambler"